I thought I would write this instead of sending 100 text messages harassing you while you were at work and bothering you. Making you annoyed, etc. I’m not sure where to start, but, I will try to ease into it.
You will willingly admit your feelings for me aren’t equal to how I feel about you. Yet I compare myself to all the women you’ve fallen “head over heels” for. I’m the only one that doesn’t treat you like a pile of shit and you don’t feel “equal” to me. Do you know how badly this hurts? Actually, you do.
Cait fell in love with a guy who called her a cunt. A guy who is a douche, and you got to watch your girl fall for him. And it hurt. It would make you cry. You’d ask yourself why you weren’t good enough? You were so much better than him in every way, and you had been around and talked to her everyday for hours straight, and yet she still picked someone over you.
I will say this as gently as I can. You are becoming my Cait.
I treat you so well. I genuinely care about you. I’m actually attracted to you. I listen to you on the phone for hours and I write you letters trying to describe everything that’s perfect about you. But you still don’t feel equal. I start asking myself why.
When I come to the conclusion that Im not pretty enough, you tell me Im being insecure.
When I come to the conclusion that Im way too emotional, you tell me its ok to let emotions out. And I shouldn’t bottle them it. That I should write songs or write a vlog/blog.
So thats what Im doing. Even after telling you that everything about you is beautiful, I was still called an underdog. Like…Im not better than the women you’ve known. Even though I treat you with so much care, it doesnt matter how good I am to you, you never feel equally the same. You say you need time, which of course plays into any relationship (friend or romantic) after it’s broken apart. But it still hurts so bad after all this time that I feel like Im not “good enough” even though I know if I said that to you youd scoff. It only took you such a short time to “love” cait, and yet she was so hollow. so FAKE. Im here and Im real and…you see right through me.
Id like to be able to not care. To just shrug it off, but this is seriously wounding. When you suggest that you’d support me if I found someone else, that hurts. Because you’re still not realizing I don’t want anyone else right now. That I actually care about you and want YOU. some guy in Virginia I’ve never met, takes precedence over kids I could date in my highschool that are my age. You aren’t surprised, or elated, or grateful by this. You just text “I see” when I tell you I dont want to go to homecoming because you’re not there. Or when I tell you I’d skip my last chance at prom because it wouldn’t be with you.
So, I guess you can see why I’m confused. Yeah, it took me a long time to get over Mitchell. But you can guarantee if someone had come to me and told me I was beautiful and perfect, and that they hang on every word I say, and they love how I sing and my laugh, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck about him anymore. And I wouldn’t think about him.
You’ve helped me to forget him, and you don’t even love me. I’m not writing this to assign blame, to hurt you, to hate you or to be cruel. But this is how I feel. Its why Im ashamed to show you pictures of me, and to go on video chat with you, because even though you say my looks don’t matter, the only thing that separates me from her, is how you look at us.
You fell for her in a matter of days, and over time you were still obessed even though she treated you like shit.
I treat you like God on Earth, and all I can stir up out of you is “I care.”
It hurts, a lot. And I tell you I’ll keep getting back up to stand next to you. Because I care about you that much. And I really feel like it wouldn’t even matter if I got back up again or if I just laid on the ground and let all of this shit just stomp all over me. Whether I get back up or lay down and take it, it’s still reduced to “I wish I could feel equal to you”
And its why I always go ranting about “Oh well, someone will love me. Even if youre too blind to see how good I am.” Because Im trying to say all of this in one sentence. And you still simply agree with “yea :3” like its ok that you find someone else besides me, I don’t care. I’d support you! …-facepalm- That. hurts. a lot.
I should end this now before I say too much. But I cant keep this shit in. I keep in a lot more than you may think, and I’m still overly emotional lol. But maybe you can understand why I would go through Cait’s photos on facebook and long to look like her. Long to even BE her. Because even now, I can’t get you to feel for me like you did for her. And Im never sure why that is, Im supposedly just as pretty, I treat you better, and…theres nothing.
I hope this sheds light on why I start up little fights and shit that causes you to have headaches and leave me to talk to your friends. Its the same reason as to why you clung to cait like a little child when she decided to finally tell you that she doesnt love you. You’re in love and you don’t understand why the person you love doesn’t feel the same. And you keep trying harder and harder to make them happy and prove your love to them. But, to no avail, nothing works bro. You know this, you’ve been through it before. And we are still “cool” I dont want you to read this and freak out like Im super pissed at you or something. I just needed to at least try and defend my past actions as to why Ive been so over the top and stressed about it all. So, you know what it felt like to go through all of that with cait, I will stop explaining and leave it to your memories to remember how painful it felt and still feels, because Im feeling that pain towards you.